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 I Have been trying so hard to not let my dad get to me and just handle it here, telling myself that I only have to be here one more year but I can't even help it. I can't handle being here another year. I would honestly rather kill myself then be here and yea that may sound dramatic, but it really would be better then putting up with all of this because although its only another year here I'm never going to really get away from him and everything he has done. I'm so tired of fighting all the time and trying to not have some sort of nervous break down. I'm just so tired of being here. It's not fair that I can leave and go stay with my sister and actually be happy for a while so I know true happiness does exist outside of this house and then I have to come back here and be misserable. It's like I can only be happy for a short while and then I have to come back to hell. That's exactly how it feels. It's hard to not get depressed, and try not to cut, and try to eat when I'm dealing with all of this. I really just wanna give up.
Also, I don't understand that my mom knows everything he has ever done to us kids so why in the world wouldn't she try to get us all away from this? If you have 6 kids and every single one of them is fucked up then maybe it's not the kids, maybe its you.I'm tired of being expected to be perfect and being punished when I'm not. I just can't handle all of this anymore, I don't wanna die but I don't wanna live either and I sure don't wanna be here with them any longer..I just can't stand being here.

Jul. 2nd, 2008

I hate feeling like crap. I'm so tired...tired of eatting and tired of cutting and also tired of fighting with my boyfriend about it all too. He's kinda driving me nuts about my whole eatting issue. What really sucks is tomorrow is his birthday but i'm starting fasting today and so hopefully we don't go out to eat..and then the next day is the 4th of July and we're going to family friends and micky is coming w/me and my parents and idk who else and so I'm gonna have different people there watching me eat..or rather not eat.GRR I'm juss so stressed out!!

Sep. 24th, 2007

 Hey, grr I've had so much going on..well I've gained weight but actually for some reason it's not really bothering me that much anymore like wow I gained weight, so what?It's just the cutting I can't seem to get over.I mean yesterday I wanted to cut myself sooo bad and I prolly would've too but then I broke down and decided if I wasn't going to do it for myself I should atleast quit for my prolly soon to be boyfriend who i really care about and he seems to and says he rlly cares about me.Also I should quit for my 3 yr. old nephew who lives w/my parents and I who calls me mommy so yea, idk.I'm trying to fight the urge but it's hard!!
Hey, hope every1 is staying strong w/their weight and w/their cutting problems.I weigh 103 almost 104, not too bad and I haven't been cutting..last time I did was like a week ago and I cut the word "Reality" into my arm, now that I look at it, it seems stupid and like I don't really want it there but I did it to myself and now I'm just going ro have to live w/it. Grr, I was stressed out last nite tho.My ex-boyfriend called me at a lil past midnight (thank-god my parents are outta town so it's just me @ home to hear the phone!) and he was drunk w/a couple of friends and first he was in a good mood then he got all pissed off cuz I was talkin to a friend he was w/and then he called me later on and was all upset bout idk what and like saying he misses me and shit and calling me gorgeous and sexy and beautiful and part of me misses him cuz we just broke up like a week ago and part of me just wants to scream at him and tell him to stfu.Does he honestly not see how hard this is on me too?I wish he wouldn't tell me shit like that.Then he called me today around 1 this afternoon and he won't talk to me about ANY of his problems yet he calls me for sympathy so I told him if he didn't want my help that's fine then he can be a stubborn pain in the ass and just think every1 that ever tries to help him is gonna screw him over and then he got mad at me and started yelling at me so I just sat the phone down on the table til I couldn't hear him yelling anymore and I picked it up and told him we could talk later but I wasn't in the mood to fight really and he hasn't called me back sinse then.God it's so stressful because even though I broke up w/him it's not like I just dropped him and I don't have any feelings at all for the boy and then he was drunk so that doesn't make it any better and he was all talking about killing himself and stuff and by the time I got off the phone w/him not only was I crying I wanted to freakin drown his ass b/c they were at a lake when he called me so yea idk.I'm trying to stay calm but idk what to do!!

Well today has SUCKED!I ate so much today and me and my b/f broke up today and everything else but I like another guy and I have my diet pills back and I'm starting fasting tomorrow til friday maybe saturday so yea, it'll all be good!!

Sep. 3rd, 2007

 Hey everyone!GRR I just need to freakin vent right now!!I feel so fat!!I had omg so much to eat today!!I know i ate well over like 600 calories!!I dont even want tot ry and calculate it in my head right now cause it'll just make me feel sick to my stomach! I'm so fat!I can feel the fat just clinging to my body and adding more lbs and I was actually starting to lose weight plus, I'm stayin @ a friends house so I dont even freakin have my diet pills tonite and wont be able to get 1 til tomorrow after school gets out @ 3:35 and tomorrow I actually NEED the extra energy b/c I have gym and will be running and crap!!!!I swear just the thought of it all makes me want to cry and have a panick attack!!+i dont even know what i'm gonna do when the diet pills I have now run out!!I think we have a different kind at my house but it won't be the same!!! GRR I'm so freakin stressed out!!I just need to purge or cry or scream or cut or something!!I'm so stupid and gonna get FATTER!!!!!!!!Sorry ppl I just need to vent right now, i feel like crap!

diet pills

Hey every1, well ok I just tonite took my first Stacker3 and already it has given me more energy and I was hungry before I took it but it subsided my hunger and completely took away my appetite and so when I start workin out more hopefully it'll make me drop like 5-10 lbs!! If it works really well I'll post more so others can try it!

 I'm slowly losing weight!Went from weighing 106 last week to 103.4..my BMI went down too!It's now 16.6!! Got to see my boyfriend zach today..yea not for very long tho.He doesn't know bout my ED but he knows bout my SI so yea.



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